How Hard Can it Be?

Have you ever thought to yourself that you have bitten off way more than you can chew? Well joining the company hockey team was one of those moments for me. After the throng and adulation had ended (which took place primarily in my head) I was left with a rather sobering reality, I have not skated since I was a kid and I had no idea how to play the game. I have never actually watched a game of hockey, which is quite disturbing in a sort of weird sadistic way because if I had actually watched a full game then I think that my gleeful optimism would not have lasted long. But saying that it seems that my ignorance is now the primary motivating factor with this little adventure because when I actually sit down to consider what I have actually done I am actually shocked, and so is my sister.

So after a micro-second of reflection and as yet still un-phased by the thought of actually playing hockey (non drug educed high due to buckets of encouragement still in full effect). I decided that the first thing to do was to get out there and buy a pair of skates. The next phase was to actually drag myself to an ice rink and start skating but that’s a whole other story, and I use the term skating very loosely when describing what I was actually attempting to do. Armed only with my Opus card (metro card) and fist full of Interac (that’s Switch for the folks back home) I took myself down to the Mecca of many a shopper ‘Canadian Tire’ and not to a sports equipment store which would have been the most obvious and sensible choice. Yes, only the truly ignorant or stupid would buy a pair of ice skates from this particular store and it’s not because the products are bad, in fact they supply very good top name brands at very affordable prices – no, because this shopper has absolutely no idea what he is actually buying coupled with the fact that no advice was acquired and no research was ever conducted, this brave Scot went in totally blind. Historically speaking nothing new there then, Culloden, the Edinburgh tram system, the Scottish Parliament, Alex Salmon, the list goes on.

It is only fair to point out that the Scots GF wanted to come with him to purchase the skates, which would have been the smart thing to do, but I foiled a major deception as she turned up to the mall unexpectedly with an ulterior motive. Oh yes the GF had other plans. She wanted to drag me into Zellers and look at TV units but I was having none of it, and with a blank stare and couple of “ooohhh’s and ahhhh’s” over some Xbox games I could see over in the next section, I wore her down sufficiently and I even managed to leave Zellers with some beef jerky, score! But I digress.

When it came down to actually choosing the skate it was easy, the criteria was simple “what would Darth Vader wear?”. Now despite Darth being a dude with a major chip on his shoulder he was one seriously sharp dressed man. So black was the color of choice for my skates and they had to ooze cool, forget functionality “what’s that”. To be more exact they are black with heavy embellishments in Death Star Grey and Clone wars Blue.

So I will emphasize again the workings of my mind, despite having no skating skills, or never having watched a game of hockey, or having any knowledge of the rules my skates had to look cool. My choice of Vader being a style reference is because I have no hockey idols on which to model style on (for those who encouraged me to join the hockey team take note for the next time). After a bit of walking up and down the aisle and a few funny looks from the staff I found what I was looking for. In a big orange box with “Nike Bauer” on the side I pulled them from the shelf and opened the box. I must confess that I am not exactly 100% ignorant because I have actually heard of “Nike” and “Bauer”

Imagine, if you will, a clueless 37ish Scots man trying on a pair of ice skates on an almost glass like ceramic tiled floor? I bet your thinking National Lampoons? Now does this individual know if the skate is appropriate for the task? Who cares, I have found Vader’s skates! No but seriously after trying on a couple of pairs with only a couple of minor stumbles I have them, my first pair of skates. After a short wait at the checkout and a brief phone conversation with the now in transit GF I had the skates in hand. Beaming like a Cheshire cat I could not wait to put them on and give them a go, so with a hop, skip and a jump I headed home with the GF after the Zellers deception (she will hate me for mentioning this) to try on my skates.

A note to the novice enthusiast, when trying on new skates for the first time do not walk around the apartment with wooden floors, stainless steel and wood do not mix well. So to avoid the hassle of picking up your GF who has just passed out due to blind rage at witnessing your stupidity, best use a rug or carpet!


The moment I tried them on was truly exceptional, with absolutely no skill or research I managed to buy a decent pair of skates, not too tight but tight enough to feel comfortable, they cupped my ankle beautifully. Triumphantly I stood proud on the wooden floor of our apartment and proclaimed my joy. Yes my joy and not the GF’s joy because she pointed out my obvious indiscretion with a wide eyed stare and high pitched wail.

So here the tale of my skate buying ends, next time I will recant the story of my first attempt at skating with a work colleague who also joined the team as a novice and oh what a terrifying tale.

Thanks D

God Forgive Me for I Know Not What I'm Doing

As a passive individual with little or no tolerance for sport, or sporting experience of any kind; one could be forgiven for engaging in a scratch of the head and asking exactly why this none lover of sport would even consider entertaining the thought that he could actually play ice hockey. (Or just plain old Hockey to the natives) I should also point out that this is the guy that cried in his grannies arms when he came last in the 50 meter sprint after his first ever sports day. Since then me and sport have never seen eye to eye!

For the uninitiated ice hockey is a game played on a big slab of indoor ice called a rink where 6 individuals, including a goalie (goal keeper) put on ice skates and attempt to score goals in a net that could be best described as nothing more than an oversized fishnet cod piece or (Jock strap). The object of interest that is used to score the said goal is called "a Puck". The puck is about the size of a coaster and about an inch high made from black hard rubber. Please take note as this will make more sense when we look at the role of the goalie and his attempts to stop the said hard black rubber puck often projected at high speed. The speed renders the puck lethal to the unpadded. The game is played at break neck speed, which is unlikely that I will ever achieve, and each player roughly spends about 2-3 minutes on the ice where they chase the small black hard rubber puck with a stick and loose about half their body weight in fluid covered in a variety of pads and armor. All for about 40 minutes.

Despite being a non lover of sport I am aware that if aroused into a state of frenzy hockey players are allowed to remove several parts of their armor and proceed to wage war on the face of the opponent that has aroused their anger. In fact hockey teams have specific players that are encouraged to harass, intimidate and bully other players. There are two types, of which I have just been informed, which are called "agitator" and "enforcers". Agitators agitate, they basically attempt to piss other players off to such a degree that the other player snaps and engages in knuckle based dialogue, (in English "I am not very happy with you"). I believe there is a guy on our team, who will remain nameless until I get legal permission to use his name or to tell tales of his less than passive playing style, who not unlike the incredible hulk goes through such an extreme transformation it leaves many of his fellow team members utterly perplexed as to why their mild mannered co-worker becomes such a loon (for the Canadian reader a loon in this instance does not refer to the much loved bird that appears on the one dollar coin, no, in Scotland a "loon" is a lunatic, nutter, psycho or head case that is to be avoided at all costs, you may even use the term fruit cake which is my personal favorite!). And all this happens when he suits up and holds a stick.

As I mentioned earlier I guess it is only fair to point out that, my entertaining the thought that I could actually play ice hockey, is based on one thing, I decided to join the company hockey team. Whether or not I would consider this a foolish choice has still yet to be determined. The motivation behind my choice was not that high brow; it was not to get fitter or to improve my hand eye coordination or bond with my co worker, far from it. What motivated me was the fact that despite having no skating skills what so ever, never mind good enough to play ice hockey, or the fact that I do not know the rules, or the fact that I have no skates, armor or helmet (hockey gear) my fellow work colleagues are utterly unforgiving with their support and encouragement "Who cares if you can't skate", they cry "join the team!". So with that much milk and honey being poured in my ears how could I resist! As it happens new players with little or no experience, like my good self, join the company ice hockey team (hockey) and have a great time. Even without the after game beer.

So stage one of my ice hockey emersion processes (mission) is to learn to skate or at least to prevent myself from hitting my baldy head on the ice and causing cranial based damage, which has happened many times before, much to the distress of my poor mother.

Next time I will recall the amusing story of when I purchased my first pair of ice skates and when I saw a three year old skate with more composure and dignity than a 37 year old Scot with nothing more than handful for tentative enthusiasm.