Bonding?

"What in the name of God am I doing?" I have sore feet, my knees hurt, my confidence is low and not only that I have never even touched a hockey stick. I seem to be engaged in this freaky internal dialogue that keeps on telling me that in a couple of weeks I will have just enough ability to play for the company team and not kill myself or anyone else. Damn those nice mild mannered polite co-workers who convinced me that this was a good idea! Damn you all to hell. But there was no going back, I had to struggle on, I joined the team and my reputation was at stake. This was challenging my personal creed that if you say you are going to do something, do it. What a dilema I got myself into.

I had visions of me playing hockey and being shunned by the team for being a useless fool, the other players would skate around me and laugh at the newbie "hey newbie you're new, newbie, hmmmm, can you skate, hhhmmm, had any lessons, hhmmm" (said with a Stewie Griffin voice) . There was only one thing for it, I needed to ask for help. As there is no shortage of hockey enthusiasts (hockey nuts to be exact, let's just be clear, a hockey fan is like nothing I have ever encoutered before, they watch, eat sleep, play and consume the game) so at work I sent out a 'skating SOS'. The first man to take up the gauntlet was 'The Guru', a fun guy with a smile and a wink who is always fun at parties. This is the guy who knows more hockey statistics than Don Cherry (very egocentric old hockey dude) and laughs harder than Buddah.

When we arrived at the rink, things were going slowly and I was eager for my first skating lesson, 'The Guru' needed the right fit of skates and was taking his time tieing his laces. Chomping at the bit I headed up stairs and out on to the ice. Eventually 'The Guru' showed up and met me on the ice. We skated like men do, around for a while in relative ignorance and avoiding the obvious issue that we both needed lessons. Nevertheless I was undetered and enjoyed my skating experience with my very accomodating work colleague. But I still needed lessons, I need to learn how to do the cool slidey stop things and turning, and skating backwards (yes I wanted to sprint before I could walk), I was in luck though because there was one offer I could not refuse. I was going to have a lesson with 'The Last King of Scotland'.

Thomas James Stewart is a half Scottish Persian (sounds like a kind of rug!), he speaks great French, Farsi and English, and he is a Stewart (the surname of the Scottish Royalty), first in line to the throne of Scotland (not really but it sounds good). This was the man for the job, my coach, my teacher, my King. He was going to help me regain some dignity and self respect and he was doing it for free, which is a total bonus for a Scotsman as we are well renowned for being so tight that when we drop a coin it hits us on the back of the head. Anyway, one day after work, "TJ" (Thomas) managed to get some skates and offered his services. Brimming with excitement and nerves we navigated the gauntlet that are the streets of Montreal (or Rues) and headed to the Gauche Rink. I would like to point out that "TJ" chose to remain in his work clothing for my skating lesson, in a nut shell, he was dressed in a suit and not his jeans, thankfully he was not wearing his white ostrich skin shoes (the kind my GF would never let me wear!). What a sight to behold I can tell you, but not uncommon down at the rink.

And so we began. First "TJ" assessed my skills and then set to work on showing me some new techniques. The first obvious skill I wanted to learn, apart from not falling down, was how to do the cross over thingy. "TJ" was very concice with his instruction and I began to practice, practice, practice. It's not an easy thing to do for a novice skater but with "TJ's" patience I was starting to get the hang of it. The next step on the road the NHL draft was to learn how to skate backwards, this I was not looking forward to. People make it look so easy and I suppose in principle it is easy but the risk of knocking yourself out on the ice is about 90%. I should point out that since my first fall, the fear of hitting the ice was engraved in my mind, so to ensure my own survival and to avoid a lengthy court battle between my family and the owners of the rink, should I have injured myself, I decided that wearing my cycling helmet was a very sensible option. I did not look cool and I was not concerned about looking cool, the main thing was to live.

Back to skating backwards, this was one of those intimate moments that happen between two men, special moments never to be shared with anyone. But hey I am in the mood for sharing! At the side of the rink we "touched". "TJ" grasped by arms with a delicate but firm grasp and issued his instructions (no pressure) about balance and stability and my centre of gravity. Slowly I started to glide backwards, if I had hair I would have felt the wind flow right through it (credited to the GF for that line, oh yes we laughed - hard), it was happening, I was going backwards! But then I stopped and fumbled and though it better to focus on skating forwards first, after all I was going to be puck fodder. By the end of the lesson "TJ's" shirt looked like someone hit him with a fire hose, man this boy sweats more than a horse at a glue factory (joke credited to "The Guru"). The lesson was great though and "TJ" is a fine teacher so if you want a lesson just look for a white BMW with smoke coming from the tyres.

So with my skating back on track it was time to challenge yet other obvious hurdle that was in the way of my getting drafted to the NHL, I needed to learn "the rules". And lucky old me the right man for the job made the right kind of offer (during lunch time, just in case anyone gets any funny ideas). There is not a lot that "The Main Man" does not know about hockey, so I was in good hands. Armed with a pen and paper and marching to the staff lunch room I was eager to learn from this wisest of master. But "The Main Man" has one flaw, he is a fan of the Boston Bruins, but we don't talk about that as this is a "I know nothing about hockey but I will support the Canadiens because I live in Montreal, blog type thingy". So all manner of talk about the Bruins had to be curbed during my lesson about the rules, it was best for the both of us.

So what did I understand about the rules? Well there are six player on the team, x2 defence, x3 forwards and a goalie. There are 5 lines and each one has a purpose, since I am a newbie, the line to pay attention to is the blue line (eazy peezy lemon squeezy). When heading down to the opposing team's net, the puck must cross the line first before the player. There is also this place called the neutral zone but I don't know why it's so neutral because they fight there as well.

There are also 3 periods, the duration depends on the league, since I would be playing in the NHL soon this was something I had to pay attention to. Then there is something called 'icing' not to be confused with the sweet yummy stuff found on cakes, no, icing happens when you whallop the puck from your halfway line and it travels, without hitting another player, past the opposing teams goal line. The penalty for icing is a penalty, which is 2 minutes in the penalty box (The Main Man has a special seat at the rink with his name carved into the bench, he did this with the broken tooth from another player that chose to hustle our goalie Dave out of beer, but that's old news). If a player finds themselves in the penalty box the opposing team has an advantage, this is called a 'power play' in French it is called a 'we have more people on the ice so therefore our chance of scoring is higher'. There is also the offside rule but that's a whole other blog, just like the footie back home the offside rule can baffle the most learn'ed man so it was not too hard to confuse me. As you can see "The Main Man" had done a great job teaching me the rules, but there was one thing he forgot to tell me, hockey is a bit rough and "The Main Man" likes it rough. So I am told - "The Main Man" has bigger brothers so when he learned to play hockey he could not let the big boys beat on him. But alas now every time he holds a stick and puts on his helmet everyone becomes a 'big boy' so Paul changes from the nice as pie work colleague to "Mr. Your Card is Marked and I am taking you down". Of course not wishing to offend "The Main Man" and very thankful for his tuition I though it only polite that I keep his infractions down to a minimum. We won't mention the jail time, warrants, bans, hospitalizations, near death experiences or federal injunctions that prevent him from playing in most civilized societies.

Next time I will break the news about watching my first game of hockey on TV and how EA sports really does "challenge everything".

How Hard Can it Be?

Have you ever thought to yourself that you have bitten off way more than you can chew? Well joining the company hockey team was one of those moments for me. After the throng and adulation had ended (which took place primarily in my head) I was left with a rather sobering reality, I have not skated since I was a kid and I had no idea how to play the game. I have never actually watched a game of hockey, which is quite disturbing in a sort of weird sadistic way because if I had actually watched a full game then I think that my gleeful optimism would not have lasted long. But saying that it seems that my ignorance is now the primary motivating factor with this little adventure because when I actually sit down to consider what I have actually done I am actually shocked, and so is my sister.

So after a micro-second of reflection and as yet still un-phased by the thought of actually playing hockey (non drug educed high due to buckets of encouragement still in full effect). I decided that the first thing to do was to get out there and buy a pair of skates. The next phase was to actually drag myself to an ice rink and start skating but that’s a whole other story, and I use the term skating very loosely when describing what I was actually attempting to do. Armed only with my Opus card (metro card) and fist full of Interac (that’s Switch for the folks back home) I took myself down to the Mecca of many a shopper ‘Canadian Tire’ and not to a sports equipment store which would have been the most obvious and sensible choice. Yes, only the truly ignorant or stupid would buy a pair of ice skates from this particular store and it’s not because the products are bad, in fact they supply very good top name brands at very affordable prices – no, because this shopper has absolutely no idea what he is actually buying coupled with the fact that no advice was acquired and no research was ever conducted, this brave Scot went in totally blind. Historically speaking nothing new there then, Culloden, the Edinburgh tram system, the Scottish Parliament, Alex Salmon, the list goes on.

It is only fair to point out that the Scots GF wanted to come with him to purchase the skates, which would have been the smart thing to do, but I foiled a major deception as she turned up to the mall unexpectedly with an ulterior motive. Oh yes the GF had other plans. She wanted to drag me into Zellers and look at TV units but I was having none of it, and with a blank stare and couple of “ooohhh’s and ahhhh’s” over some Xbox games I could see over in the next section, I wore her down sufficiently and I even managed to leave Zellers with some beef jerky, score! But I digress.

When it came down to actually choosing the skate it was easy, the criteria was simple “what would Darth Vader wear?”. Now despite Darth being a dude with a major chip on his shoulder he was one seriously sharp dressed man. So black was the color of choice for my skates and they had to ooze cool, forget functionality “what’s that”. To be more exact they are black with heavy embellishments in Death Star Grey and Clone wars Blue.

So I will emphasize again the workings of my mind, despite having no skating skills, or never having watched a game of hockey, or having any knowledge of the rules my skates had to look cool. My choice of Vader being a style reference is because I have no hockey idols on which to model style on (for those who encouraged me to join the hockey team take note for the next time). After a bit of walking up and down the aisle and a few funny looks from the staff I found what I was looking for. In a big orange box with “Nike Bauer” on the side I pulled them from the shelf and opened the box. I must confess that I am not exactly 100% ignorant because I have actually heard of “Nike” and “Bauer”

Imagine, if you will, a clueless 37ish Scots man trying on a pair of ice skates on an almost glass like ceramic tiled floor? I bet your thinking National Lampoons? Now does this individual know if the skate is appropriate for the task? Who cares, I have found Vader’s skates! No but seriously after trying on a couple of pairs with only a couple of minor stumbles I have them, my first pair of skates. After a short wait at the checkout and a brief phone conversation with the now in transit GF I had the skates in hand. Beaming like a Cheshire cat I could not wait to put them on and give them a go, so with a hop, skip and a jump I headed home with the GF after the Zellers deception (she will hate me for mentioning this) to try on my skates.

A note to the novice enthusiast, when trying on new skates for the first time do not walk around the apartment with wooden floors, stainless steel and wood do not mix well. So to avoid the hassle of picking up your GF who has just passed out due to blind rage at witnessing your stupidity, best use a rug or carpet!


The moment I tried them on was truly exceptional, with absolutely no skill or research I managed to buy a decent pair of skates, not too tight but tight enough to feel comfortable, they cupped my ankle beautifully. Triumphantly I stood proud on the wooden floor of our apartment and proclaimed my joy. Yes my joy and not the GF’s joy because she pointed out my obvious indiscretion with a wide eyed stare and high pitched wail.

So here the tale of my skate buying ends, next time I will recant the story of my first attempt at skating with a work colleague who also joined the team as a novice and oh what a terrifying tale.

Thanks D

God Forgive Me for I Know Not What I'm Doing

As a passive individual with little or no tolerance for sport, or sporting experience of any kind; one could be forgiven for engaging in a scratch of the head and asking exactly why this none lover of sport would even consider entertaining the thought that he could actually play ice hockey. (Or just plain old Hockey to the natives) I should also point out that this is the guy that cried in his grannies arms when he came last in the 50 meter sprint after his first ever sports day. Since then me and sport have never seen eye to eye!

For the uninitiated ice hockey is a game played on a big slab of indoor ice called a rink where 6 individuals, including a goalie (goal keeper) put on ice skates and attempt to score goals in a net that could be best described as nothing more than an oversized fishnet cod piece or (Jock strap). The object of interest that is used to score the said goal is called "a Puck". The puck is about the size of a coaster and about an inch high made from black hard rubber. Please take note as this will make more sense when we look at the role of the goalie and his attempts to stop the said hard black rubber puck often projected at high speed. The speed renders the puck lethal to the unpadded. The game is played at break neck speed, which is unlikely that I will ever achieve, and each player roughly spends about 2-3 minutes on the ice where they chase the small black hard rubber puck with a stick and loose about half their body weight in fluid covered in a variety of pads and armor. All for about 40 minutes.

Despite being a non lover of sport I am aware that if aroused into a state of frenzy hockey players are allowed to remove several parts of their armor and proceed to wage war on the face of the opponent that has aroused their anger. In fact hockey teams have specific players that are encouraged to harass, intimidate and bully other players. There are two types, of which I have just been informed, which are called "agitator" and "enforcers". Agitators agitate, they basically attempt to piss other players off to such a degree that the other player snaps and engages in knuckle based dialogue, (in English "I am not very happy with you"). I believe there is a guy on our team, who will remain nameless until I get legal permission to use his name or to tell tales of his less than passive playing style, who not unlike the incredible hulk goes through such an extreme transformation it leaves many of his fellow team members utterly perplexed as to why their mild mannered co-worker becomes such a loon (for the Canadian reader a loon in this instance does not refer to the much loved bird that appears on the one dollar coin, no, in Scotland a "loon" is a lunatic, nutter, psycho or head case that is to be avoided at all costs, you may even use the term fruit cake which is my personal favorite!). And all this happens when he suits up and holds a stick.

As I mentioned earlier I guess it is only fair to point out that, my entertaining the thought that I could actually play ice hockey, is based on one thing, I decided to join the company hockey team. Whether or not I would consider this a foolish choice has still yet to be determined. The motivation behind my choice was not that high brow; it was not to get fitter or to improve my hand eye coordination or bond with my co worker, far from it. What motivated me was the fact that despite having no skating skills what so ever, never mind good enough to play ice hockey, or the fact that I do not know the rules, or the fact that I have no skates, armor or helmet (hockey gear) my fellow work colleagues are utterly unforgiving with their support and encouragement "Who cares if you can't skate", they cry "join the team!". So with that much milk and honey being poured in my ears how could I resist! As it happens new players with little or no experience, like my good self, join the company ice hockey team (hockey) and have a great time. Even without the after game beer.

So stage one of my ice hockey emersion processes (mission) is to learn to skate or at least to prevent myself from hitting my baldy head on the ice and causing cranial based damage, which has happened many times before, much to the distress of my poor mother.

Next time I will recall the amusing story of when I purchased my first pair of ice skates and when I saw a three year old skate with more composure and dignity than a 37 year old Scot with nothing more than handful for tentative enthusiasm.