How Hard Can it Be?

Have you ever thought to yourself that you have bitten off way more than you can chew? Well joining the company hockey team was one of those moments for me. After the throng and adulation had ended (which took place primarily in my head) I was left with a rather sobering reality, I have not skated since I was a kid and I had no idea how to play the game. I have never actually watched a game of hockey, which is quite disturbing in a sort of weird sadistic way because if I had actually watched a full game then I think that my gleeful optimism would not have lasted long. But saying that it seems that my ignorance is now the primary motivating factor with this little adventure because when I actually sit down to consider what I have actually done I am actually shocked, and so is my sister.

So after a micro-second of reflection and as yet still un-phased by the thought of actually playing hockey (non drug educed high due to buckets of encouragement still in full effect). I decided that the first thing to do was to get out there and buy a pair of skates. The next phase was to actually drag myself to an ice rink and start skating but that’s a whole other story, and I use the term skating very loosely when describing what I was actually attempting to do. Armed only with my Opus card (metro card) and fist full of Interac (that’s Switch for the folks back home) I took myself down to the Mecca of many a shopper ‘Canadian Tire’ and not to a sports equipment store which would have been the most obvious and sensible choice. Yes, only the truly ignorant or stupid would buy a pair of ice skates from this particular store and it’s not because the products are bad, in fact they supply very good top name brands at very affordable prices – no, because this shopper has absolutely no idea what he is actually buying coupled with the fact that no advice was acquired and no research was ever conducted, this brave Scot went in totally blind. Historically speaking nothing new there then, Culloden, the Edinburgh tram system, the Scottish Parliament, Alex Salmon, the list goes on.

It is only fair to point out that the Scots GF wanted to come with him to purchase the skates, which would have been the smart thing to do, but I foiled a major deception as she turned up to the mall unexpectedly with an ulterior motive. Oh yes the GF had other plans. She wanted to drag me into Zellers and look at TV units but I was having none of it, and with a blank stare and couple of “ooohhh’s and ahhhh’s” over some Xbox games I could see over in the next section, I wore her down sufficiently and I even managed to leave Zellers with some beef jerky, score! But I digress.

When it came down to actually choosing the skate it was easy, the criteria was simple “what would Darth Vader wear?”. Now despite Darth being a dude with a major chip on his shoulder he was one seriously sharp dressed man. So black was the color of choice for my skates and they had to ooze cool, forget functionality “what’s that”. To be more exact they are black with heavy embellishments in Death Star Grey and Clone wars Blue.

So I will emphasize again the workings of my mind, despite having no skating skills, or never having watched a game of hockey, or having any knowledge of the rules my skates had to look cool. My choice of Vader being a style reference is because I have no hockey idols on which to model style on (for those who encouraged me to join the hockey team take note for the next time). After a bit of walking up and down the aisle and a few funny looks from the staff I found what I was looking for. In a big orange box with “Nike Bauer” on the side I pulled them from the shelf and opened the box. I must confess that I am not exactly 100% ignorant because I have actually heard of “Nike” and “Bauer”

Imagine, if you will, a clueless 37ish Scots man trying on a pair of ice skates on an almost glass like ceramic tiled floor? I bet your thinking National Lampoons? Now does this individual know if the skate is appropriate for the task? Who cares, I have found Vader’s skates! No but seriously after trying on a couple of pairs with only a couple of minor stumbles I have them, my first pair of skates. After a short wait at the checkout and a brief phone conversation with the now in transit GF I had the skates in hand. Beaming like a Cheshire cat I could not wait to put them on and give them a go, so with a hop, skip and a jump I headed home with the GF after the Zellers deception (she will hate me for mentioning this) to try on my skates.

A note to the novice enthusiast, when trying on new skates for the first time do not walk around the apartment with wooden floors, stainless steel and wood do not mix well. So to avoid the hassle of picking up your GF who has just passed out due to blind rage at witnessing your stupidity, best use a rug or carpet!


The moment I tried them on was truly exceptional, with absolutely no skill or research I managed to buy a decent pair of skates, not too tight but tight enough to feel comfortable, they cupped my ankle beautifully. Triumphantly I stood proud on the wooden floor of our apartment and proclaimed my joy. Yes my joy and not the GF’s joy because she pointed out my obvious indiscretion with a wide eyed stare and high pitched wail.

So here the tale of my skate buying ends, next time I will recant the story of my first attempt at skating with a work colleague who also joined the team as a novice and oh what a terrifying tale.

Thanks D